Since I was a young teenager with a budding interest in things like Edgar Allan Poe poetry and the spell binding movie, the Craft, I would sit brooding in my bedroom and writing in my first journals about past lives I was sure I had lived and knew all about. I had a book of classic magic spells then, and one of the wishing spells in it called for a small wooden box that would fit in the palm of your hand. Basically, the spell entailed writing your wish on a slip of paper, putting it in the box, and then waiting for something to happen...
I used a larger wooden box at the age of fourteen, but soon stopped because I thought the details of the handheld box were likely pivotal to my wishes coming true. I have always absentmindedly kept my eye out for the perfect little wooden box over the years, but never found one until recently in an antique store. I was about to buy it when Brandon stopped me and said he had something better at home. A week or two later, he produced an old magic stunt item from his days as a bizarre, story-telling magician in his early-mid twenties. Yes, my husband used to be a magician, folks, and he still does some pretty good slight of hand tricks too... occasionally ...if he's in the mood or had enough to drink and I playfully nag him by saying "do it, monkey!" with just the right amount of coercion. Otherwise, he clams up and gets squirmy, annoyed and embarrassed by me, but it usually depends on the company. Speaking of this, he happens to be at a magic auction in town right now with an old friend looking for spiritualist items to add to his extensive collection.
In any case, this little box makes me very happy. It has a lock & key, and a [secret] trap door which I am totally outing in this photo featuring my familiar, Miette, watching solemnly over it.
I've been carrying this item around in my purse for weeks now. I have not put a wish in it. I'm in a funny place inside of my head lately, being at the cusp of so many known and unknown anticipatory events. I'm counting down the days when I no longer teach art at my current job since being riffed last month. I've been busy preparing my teaching portfolio for prospective job interviews. I have one very likely teaching gig in my sights that would allow me something I seem to only have in the summers now...free time, but it is not definite and I don't want to jinx it by talking too much about it. We have our three week trip to Paris, Vienna & Prague in just seven short weeks! We have plans to try our hands at baby making upon returning from Europe... Although, first we have to figure out how babies are made... I hear hanging your underwear next to each other will do the trick, but we haven't practiced that one yet. [Those are our stock joke lines in regards to those plans when discussing them with others...perhaps not as funny in type, but oh well.]
And then, there are the more abstract thoughts I keep having... which strike me like trying to picture the enormity of the galaxy. Thoughts that perhaps teaching art is not my calling, and I've yet to find my true passion. I had a long talk by a bonfire recently with an older and wiser friend who complimented my artwork and said I had that spark quality as an artist, and asked me seriously why I don't pursue art making as my true passion. I tend to think not many people share this friend's sentiment, and that my artwork is pretty alright--it's good for impressing my young adolescent students, but it's nowhere near in the realm of the kind of art I think belongs in galleries or collectors' walls. I do have dreams of later years in life, when I have more clever ideas and skills to explore in my artwork... but why not do that now? Fear, of course. Fear of remaining mediocre...which is how I see myself now.
I can't help but envy Brandon... he has such successes in his life that afford him the time and ability to pursue his hobbies. Not to mention, he loves his work as a business owner too... he enjoys the city hall and merchant meetings he has to attend as a person of influence in this city. Meanwhile, I feel like I spent all of those lovely years at UT climbing the hills next to the art school dreaming of my days of success as an art teacher. And here I am... I'm an art teacher. I know I might soon be unemployed, but that's not likely. I can easily continue being an art teacher. I'm good at it. I love teaching art. I love the moments when my students feel proud of their art, and the look on their face in those moments is one of self-discovery and confidence that they didn't have before and can never un-have thanks to me! It is extremely rewarding, that aspect of it... but that is not the day-to-day of the job. Especially not in my current environment that is full of negativity throughout the staff, lack of appreciation and communication from administration all along in my history there, helicopter parents, and innocuous meetings and inconsistent job duties that just drain all of the energy from being able to cultivate the things I love about teaching art! Add cheshire cat-like co-workers who never liked me in the first place hen-pecking at me lately, whispering in the hallways, and asking me if I'm okay in knowing tones of pity and hints of satisfaction now that they know of my dissolved position, and you have me eating my lunch alone in my classroom staring out the window and longing for this valley in life to be over.
I don't know what else to say about it all. I feel very awake in life though lately... as if just the attempt to reconnect with that dreamy fourteen year old inside of me, who knew her life would be magical and grand is the key. At the end of that meandering conversation with the friend at the bonfire recently, I finally, reluctantly and bashfully confessed what my real passion has always been--theories of quantum physics and astronomy. Brandon, my trusty realist, chimed in at that time in the discussion, and pointed out my failures at math and how impossible a pursuit in that field would be... [thank you, dear!] ...and he's right! BUT what if I integrate my love for all things related to physics, science and the infinite universe to my art somehow. It's just something I need time to explore. If I get this half-time teaching gig, I might have that soon. I've also always wanted to write a book. And I want to travel more. And a pony! Okay, not a pony...
