Change.

I attended my first day of work at my new job today. I was not nervous about it at all. This interested me, because I was extremely nervous on my way to start work at my last job two years ago around this time. In fact, I was terrified starting my first year of teaching. I was even pretty nervous last year this time before my first day back at work at the start of my second year of teaching, because I wanted to be sure and make the appropriate changes that would keep my second year from being too much like the first. I know this, because I keep detailed records of my life and feelings in a private journal that enlightens me every time I read previous entries. While reading it recently, I noticed the pattern of change over time in my thoughts on teaching. There seems to be a cycle developing, and I think I need to stop periodically denying that this is my true passion and calling in life. The main reason for that being that I finally felt at home walking into my new campus today. Something I never felt and always longed for at the last.

The pattern goes like this: 

August...

I'm going to decorate, label, organize, maximize learning with this poster and this colored tape, etc. & then manage all aspects of my new highly efficient system. Gee golly, look at all these new adorable faces!

>>

May...

I'm going to sleep late, drink coffee till noon & not give one thought to any of those kids' faces.

June-Mid July

No thoughts about teaching at this time. At all. Seriously, none.

...You get the gist. 

And then suddenly, by late July/early August I start to feel excited about new school supplies and meeting my new students again. Also, couple this with the absence of that fear or anxiety I've had before at this time and the fact that I'm teaching in a brand new environment, and I'm starting to think I might be doing something right again. 

Also, there are a few downsides to this new job, and yet I'm still pretty glowy about it.

Like it's still about a 30-40 drive from home (depending on if I stop for coffee).

Or, my new classroom is a hole with no windows, and my last classroom was giant and airy with two big windows.

Oh, and I am only teaching art for 12 weeks out of this coming year. 

That's right. They gave me the ole schedule dumping ground switcheroo! Instead of teaching three 7th & 8th grade general art classes, two "wheel" classes that would be part advisory, art & computers, and one possible dance class (later retracted), I have three wheel classes of which art is just one of the subjects in a rotation, one solely advisory class, and two computer classes. It was certainly a shock this morning when I was given my schedule. I had a silent conversation in my head immediately consoling myself while nodding pleasantly to others in the room. As the day went on, and I sat planning with my new art teaching partner in her new airy spacious classroom she just inherited from the last art teacher (therefore, I am taking her former small classroom & schedule), it started to sink in more that art will be so absent from my teaching day. Hold on to that frowny face though...

I'm still feeling pretty content and excited. I just have a feeling it will be lovely. Everyone at this campus was so warm & welcoming. They immediately introduced themselves, and knew who I was when I said my name. Even though my art lessons are limited, I get to teach whatever I want. I get to structure my classes however I want. The grading system and administrative work load is a dream come true. Elective teachers don't have to attend grade level meetings. I don't have to post my lesson plans ANYWHERE! In fact, no one does. They even gave me a self-management book to read over the summer (it was mailed to me in June) about empowering yourself and your co-workers and not wasting your time on nonsense things that have nothing to do with actual productivity. Imagine that. It was like opposite day for everything I have known to suck about teaching so far out there in Small Towne, Texas.

In summary, change is good. I like change. I shall report back in several weeks I'm sure, and hopefully I'm still singing my happy go lucky tune over here. In the meantime, I would just like to maintain some truths: teaching is a noble profession, and I am changing lives and being inspired in turn by the circle of life and all that glowy August stuff above. So, hooray.

<3

Also, since there still remains 1.5 weeks in my summer. Let's get back to summer business: here is a picture of my cat...

The Honeymoon Is Over.

We returned to Texas soil from our adventurous three week long honeymoon in Europe just over two weeks ago and already my teacher summer is more than half over... I feel like it just began!!! Please feel sorry for me.

As with most things, after the dust has settled on an event it's hard to feel motivated to document it any further. Between the two of us, Brandon & I posted a lot of updates on the ole' Facebook throughout our vacation, and I instagramed nearly every day. So, what more is there to say about it, really?

The Reflection Documentation:

It's just interesting how you look forward to things for years, and then they happen--and sometimes they feel so eternal in the moments of their happening--but then those moments end, and life goes on with that experience far behind you. Every time I've spoken to anyone about the month I backpacked around Europe with my super-nice-guy-but-not-right-for-me-ex-boyfriend when I was nearly 20 years old I say the same thing: "I need a do-over of that trip!" I've even used the experience to lecture certain middle school students with super cynical attitudes toward life that I recognize all too well as my younger-self disposition. It has always pained me that I stood in such monumental places on the globe and felt so...lame. I can blame it on being there with the wrong person, but in the end I have to admit that I was the wrong person. I was so uncomfortable in my skin then! 

Fast-forward ten years later, and I am getting to be quite comfortable in that very same skin. Although, it's still a work in progress... Turning 30 years old brings me such hope for the future, because I've gotten everything I've wanted and wished for out of life in recent years. So much so that I've had to start a new list of things to dream about and strive to obtain... I remember a conversation with  Katie when we were 26-27 about loving ourselves and our bodies so much more at that point than we ever could as teenagers, and how we couldn't wait to be 35 to see how much those sentiments would grow by then! I recently remarked to Brandon that even on my most self-conscious days, it's refreshing to realize that I am still more confident than the most confident 18 year old you could find on the planet. 

And yes, I might be just a bit obsessed by ages, but I think it's because spiritually I try to live very close to that 14 year old inside of me! In a good way...

Looking out the window as our plane left the ground in Paris, I thought to myself how extremely lucky and blessed I am to have gotten my "do-over." I went back to some of those same places I stood battling myself to enjoy the moment through the knowledge that I was ill-equipped internally to do so, and the even more depressing knowledge that I could not look to my companion for assistance in the growth needed to understand myself or feel understood! Gah! It was disappointing to say the least. This time, I was excited to be going home, because I know I'll go back again some day...and I no longer have to fear the "what if this is it?!" as far as magical opportunities in life go...

At times, I know Brandon feels overwhelmed by my Jane Eyre-like yearnings for things I feel are sometimes beyond my reach, but the fact that he gets that and can make jokes that make me laugh at my  occasionally intense internal drama (and knowing how much he really loves that about me despite himself) is all I really need. 

My favorite thing about the trip this time, besides knowing myself better and feeling content with my companion, is how much traveling through foreign lands for an extended period of time can teach you about a person you thought you knew about as well as you could... The biggest understatement I made in looking forward to our honeymoon was "Brandon is not the type of person who can lay on a beach all day and just stare at pretty scenery...he has to go & see & do as much as he can!" I knew a trip to Paris, Vienna & Prague provided the stage for the historical observation and unknown exploration that Brandon & I craved together...I just didn't realize beforehand how much it would take out of me, or how hard it would be at times to keep up with him! Unlike my wonderful husband, I CAN lay on a beach and stare at the pretty scenery...all day, in fact!! I like to sleep & sit & watch. Luckily though, after some good communication on the subject, we found a nice balance. 

One great example of this balance was our evening in front of the eiffel tower. Brandon kind of thought it was a touristy waste of time that would be better spent scouring the catacombs or another cemetery again, and I agreed with him to an extent. Although, my romantic side wanted nothing more than to lay in the grass on the lawn beneath it and soak up the buzz of that environment. So, we did. We had just enjoyed a lovely dinner at our favorite hidden gem restaurant in Paris complete with to-die-for fois gras and a bottle of wine, and upon arrival at the eiffel tower, I took off my shoes, and we dozed in the grass until twilight. Another favorite day for the two of us was our trip to Kutna Hora... the town an hour away from Prague that holds a famous ossuary, or bone church. We leisurely strolled the town all day long discovering more than we had hoped to find along the way, and enjoyed the best meal of the trip late in the day as well. We even got lost on our long walk back to the train station by meandering along a beautiful creek it seemed natural to follow, but it didn't matter. The same with the day in Vienna (by far my favorite city on our trip!) when we had a perfect picnic in a lovely park outside of the Naschmarkt (or weekend flea market) and then enjoyed an afternoon beer and coffee at our favorite coffeehouse, Cafe Sperl before exploring another imperial palace! Days don't get much more lovelier than that.

It was not the most relaxing vacation of my life, but since returning home to lazy summer days where the most productive things I've done so far in the past two weeks is organize the closet and go to the gym nearly every day, I am not complaining. Last night we were invited across the street to a gathering at our neighbor's house (the neighbor who we bought our house from, actually). We sat talking in their front yard into the night, and came home just as it started to rain to our deliciously comfortable bed (something missing from every night in Europe!)...and while falling asleep I thought how perfect was the day! Home is hard to top sometimes.

And now I'd like to share a couple of things I jotted in my little notepad I carried with me daily on our trip... (If anyone is still reading this...I know--I'm very longwinded, but those who matter most don't mind!)

People watching [& listening] is one of my favorite past times, and I overheard some lovely moments due to my chronic eavesdropping.

1. Overheard in the Louvre...
Sporty Frat Boy: "What was Da Vinci's era...17...1800's?"
[this one even made our French cab driver laugh later that night when I thought he didn't understand much English]

2. Overheard in Gerhard Richter exhibit in the Louvre...
[I love this artist by the way, and I even tried to capture a similar dark mood he effortlessly conveys in certain paintings I made in art school...the exhibit held drawings, sketches, and monotypes he used as studies for paintings...]
Girl Who Had No Business In the Presence of Fine Art: "That looks like a five year old made that!"

3. Overheard in Vienna Flea Market:
[My favorite!]
Warm & Friendly Looking Man to Another (First Man is shopkeeper):
First Man with Austrian Accent: "What could be better than seeing you?!"
*they embrace in a manly hug*
Second Man with English Accent: "Somebody with a lot of cash...?"
First Man: "Ha ha...how are you doing, my friend?!"

4. I also listened intently to a group of teenagers on the tube (subway) in Vienna as one told an animated story I could not understand... and when she saw me looking, she turned the volume up on her animation. It was adorable.

I want to include a few photos in this post, but there are nearly 3,000 photos of our trip between Brandon & I, so it's hard to pick just one or three... but I'm going to anyway...

Here is one photo in each of the three cities we made our mark:

In Vienna, having the best picnic ever...

In Prague, the night we decided to dress up fancy & have a romantic dinner...

And in Paris, after all of the grass laying in front of the eiffel tower...

Fin.

Magic Wishing Box

Since I was a young teenager with a budding interest in things like Edgar Allan Poe poetry and the spell binding movie, the Craft, I would sit brooding in my bedroom and writing in my first journals about past lives I was sure I had lived and knew all about. I had a book of classic magic spells then, and one of the wishing spells in it called for a small wooden box that would fit in the palm of your hand. Basically, the spell entailed writing your wish on a slip of paper, putting it in the box, and then waiting for something to happen... 

I used a larger wooden box at the age of fourteen, but soon stopped because I thought the details of the handheld box were likely pivotal to my wishes coming true. I have always absentmindedly kept my eye out for the perfect little wooden box over the years, but never found one until recently in an antique store. I was about to buy it when Brandon stopped me and said he had something better at home. A week or two later, he produced an old magic stunt item from his days as a bizarre, story-telling magician in his early-mid twenties. Yes, my husband used to be a magician, folks, and he still does some pretty good slight of hand tricks too... occasionally ...if he's in the mood or had enough to drink and I playfully nag him by saying "do it, monkey!" with just the right amount of coercion. Otherwise, he clams up and gets squirmy, annoyed and embarrassed by me, but it usually depends on the company. Speaking of this, he happens to be at a magic auction in town right now with an old friend looking for spiritualist items to add to his extensive collection.

In any case, this little box makes me very happy. It has a lock & key, and a [secret] trap door which I am totally outing in this photo featuring my familiar, Miette, watching solemnly over it. 

I've been carrying this item around in my purse for weeks now. I have not put a wish in it. I'm in a funny place inside of my head lately, being at the cusp of so many known and unknown anticipatory events. I'm counting down the days when I no longer teach art at my current job since being riffed last month. I've been busy preparing my teaching portfolio for prospective job interviews. I have one very likely teaching gig in my sights that would allow me something I seem to only have in the summers now...free time, but it is not definite and I don't want to jinx it by talking too much about it. We have our three week trip to Paris, Vienna & Prague in just seven short weeks! We have plans to try our hands at baby making upon returning from Europe... Although, first we have to figure out how babies are made... I hear hanging your underwear next to each other will do the trick, but we haven't practiced that one yet. [Those are our stock joke lines in regards to those plans when discussing them with others...perhaps not as funny in type, but oh well.] 

And then, there are the more abstract thoughts I keep having... which strike me like trying to picture the enormity of the galaxy. Thoughts that perhaps teaching art is not my calling, and I've yet to find my true passion. I had a long talk by a bonfire recently with an older and wiser friend who complimented my artwork and said I had that spark quality as an artist, and asked me seriously why I don't pursue art making as my true passion. I tend to think not many people share this friend's sentiment, and that my artwork is pretty alright--it's good for impressing my young adolescent students, but it's nowhere near in the realm of the kind of art I think belongs in galleries or collectors' walls. I do have dreams of later years in life, when I have more clever ideas and skills to explore in my artwork... but why not do that now? Fear, of course. Fear of remaining mediocre...which is how I see myself now. 

I can't help but envy Brandon... he has such successes in his life that afford him the time and ability to  pursue his hobbies. Not to mention, he loves his work as a business owner too... he enjoys the city hall and merchant meetings he has to attend as a person of influence in this city. Meanwhile, I feel like I spent all of those lovely years at UT climbing the hills next to the art school dreaming of my days of success as an art teacher. And here I am... I'm an art teacher. I know I might soon be unemployed, but that's not likely. I can easily continue being an art teacher. I'm good at it. I love teaching art. I love the moments when my students feel proud of their art, and the look on their face in those moments is one of self-discovery and confidence that they didn't have before and can never un-have thanks to me! It is extremely rewarding, that aspect of it... but that is not the day-to-day of the job. Especially not in my current environment that is full of negativity throughout the staff, lack of appreciation and communication from administration all along in my history there, helicopter parents, and innocuous meetings and inconsistent job duties that just drain all of the energy from being able to cultivate the things I love about teaching art! Add cheshire cat-like co-workers who never liked me in the first place hen-pecking at me lately, whispering in the hallways, and asking me if I'm okay in knowing tones of pity and hints of satisfaction now that they know of my dissolved position, and you have me eating my lunch alone in my classroom staring out the window and longing for this valley in life to be over. 

I don't know what else to say about it all. I feel very awake in life though lately... as if just the attempt to reconnect with that dreamy fourteen year old inside of me, who knew her life would be magical and grand is the key. At the end of that meandering conversation with the friend at the bonfire recently, I finally, reluctantly and bashfully confessed what my real passion has always been--theories of quantum physics and astronomy. Brandon, my trusty realist, chimed in at that time in the discussion, and pointed out my failures at math and how impossible a pursuit in that field would be... [thank you, dear!] ...and he's right! BUT what if I integrate my love for all things related to physics, science and the infinite universe to my art somehow. It's just something I need time to explore. If I get this half-time teaching gig, I might have that soon. I've also always wanted to write a book. And I want to travel more. And a pony! Okay, not a pony...

a week to remember...

This week, I: 

-got very ill

-went to an incredible Radiohead show

-lost my job

It all started last Monday evening...I drove my hour long commute home in traffic from my art teaching job in the boonies. I stopped at a drug store to stock up on cough drops & ibuprofen, feeling headachey and sore-throated. Halfway home, I developed chills. I arrived home to a fever of 99 degrees that continued to rise to 102 and more... My only thoughts were of getting a sub to cover my classes and feeling better by Wednesday for Radiohead. Miraculously, after two days of couching in feverish pain, I was well enough to attend the show we bought amazing tickets for back in November. My sister-in-law, Allison, was in from San Francisco, and our lovely friend Kevin, was available to take the extra ticket Allison's boyfriend Jaime was unable to join and claim... We were so close to the stage. It was a perfect evening. 

Kevin, Allison, Brandon & I...

I knew I had a heavy meeting with my principal in the morning, but I put it out of my mind as much as possible. I am not a religious girl, but I recognize the magical moments the Universe puts in front of me to appreciate as fully as one would an opportunity to pray. I can't say that I prayed to keep my job while I swooned in front of Radiohead, because I've long felt I did not belong in the small town I currently drive to each day, but I certainly wasn't praying that I stay there either. I guess I just want to know that I will be okay in the end, and that is simply an inevitable certainty. The next morning, I learned what I already felt in my gut--my position is being dissolved due to budget cuts & program restructuring in the district. I cried in the moment I was being fired, but I have not felt sadness since that moment. That night, Brandon took me out to dinner at our new favorite special restaurant just around the corner... Komé. We toasted to "new beginnings" with our sake and feasted on soup that soothed my throat and soul, and sushi that filled the rest... I felt jubilant and free. Not like a person that had just been fired.  

 I can't tell which is creepier... my nom-sushi face or Thom Yorke's up close and personal face on umpteen suspended screens. I'm gonna go with Thom's...I'm sorta cute when I'm unhinging my jaw, right?

When we got home, I started to do my usual sit-on-couch-with-laptop ritual, but B. would not let me. Instead, we snuggled and watched Parks & Recreation, our favorite show to save up on the DVR to watch together. We have a little dance we do during the intro song, and it always connects us in this adorable and unspoken way. I was grateful that he kept the computer from me and fell asleep with his legs on top of me. It forced me to savor the silence and pleasure of the moment rather than stress and worry on the internet somehow like I would have otherwise. I still did not feel well, but I was on the mend.

The next day at work, I found I was experiencing a sensation of a weight being lifted rather than burdened on my shoulders. I have never felt I could truly be myself at this job. It's as if all of my hard work just disappears into this small town ether every day. Or maybe I've been holding back...afraid of what might happen if I fully expressed my strange nature. Then, I realized I've been doing it all along in small doses, just not enough to make a real impact. I decided to own the odd philosophies I have about life and art...

I overheard one of my 6th graders say to another boy "Don't rainbow vomit all over your artwork." So, I asked him if he got that from me, and he said "yes." Then, another girl suggested we make that line the quote of the day on the board. I said "heck yeah," and she wrote it on the board. I took a photo to document this proud moment, and then declared that this shall be the legacy I leave behind at this middle school when I am gone. 

And so here I am...finally getting over my illness (hopefully) that has since morphed into a sinus infection type thing. I've already filled out one application for a high school art teaching position in Austin ISD. I'm on Spring Break, and all is right in the world. I got a pedicure today, and I got my toes painted turquoise. I feel at peace with all things, and I'm looking forward to this summer very much. 

I feel confident and optimistic. We will take our honeymoon trip to Europe for three weeks in June, and when we return we will begin trying to have a baby just as planned. I refuse to let a little thing like losing my job ruin any of these plans. I have a feeling this blog may be my best friend this week and then again in summertime. I'll try not to work too hard in between...